ten-drel

2011-05-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

I have not written in awhile, other than a rude rant that I took down within hours. If you read it, you know what I mean, and I apologize. =) Life is weird, ya know?
I feel quite adrift lately, as though I am just floating along and nothing really notices me. I am sure this will past. Some of it is apparently hormonal, I am getting older. But regardless, I have to get away from it.

I had a truly lovely, nay, Magical day last Saturday, the day the Rapture had been said to be coming on, 05.21.2011. The fun actually started the night before, as it was Dan's 30th birthday, so my husband, the biking viking and a whole crew from Team Skuld and HDH and little ole me went out to celebrate. Started with some dinner and beer at O'Sullivan's and the Kerry steak I had was Really YUMMY. Then on to another bar; overall the night was a Lot of fun, I even got to dance a bit, in downtown Escondido no less. crazy. ha. And we stayed out till after 1am, having a great time with everyone. Got to meet some new people too. It did mean we got a bit of a lazy start on Saturday, but no biggie, there was no schedule to keep, just a day trip and the day lasts until almost 20:00 now, so no worries.

Had a nice lazy wake up at 9am, and was pleased that the world had not ended - quite yet. There was a bit of confusion on the time for the pending rapture though and the day was young in our timezone. We slowly got ready and headed out to Joshua Tree National Park, with me driving [my car gets such better MPG, and no off-roading was required]. Since I love to drive, it really was a fun way to start the trip. There was mellow traffic and pretty views and nice company along the way.

We were hungry, so stopped in JTree for a bit of lunch. We picked the Saloon, since I really wanted hot food, not salad from the veggie place. Well, the food was good, but the service was SOOOOO slow. Really - almost as bad as a visit to Mozey's another weekend [should write about that fiasco soon too I suppose]. The fries really hit the spot though, so seeing as we were not in a hurry, it was no harm done in the end.

Then on into the park itself. I love that entrance, fun stuff to look at. Paid our fee and both of us exclaimed at how the campgrounds were full. WOW. Lots of people in the park. Good thing it is such a large park. We went first down to the Hall of Horrors area, parked and hiked through the stickers trying to find the Real Hall of Horrors, and a particular bouldering problem David really wanted to try. While the bouldering guide may show a lot of climbs, its maps are not the best. HA! So, we actually ended up at the LHMFP area initially. David tried a few things there, and I watched the oh so happy swallows zooming and squeaking above the rocks. ZOOOM! Despite the trek through stickers [the trail faded quite a bit in spots!] it was still a great area to walk about in, as there were very few others and it was so very peaceful and beautiful.

I especially enjoyed the myriad of flowers that abound there, I was busy watching my step so I got a good view of all the flora. Tiny white circles on the tight ground cover, bright yellow blooms in various sizes and shapes, HOT pink cactus blooms and these odd little alien-pod looking purple blooms. No, I did not take any pictures, I was too busy hiking and enjoying the day. I am just not that much of a picture taker usually, although I am trying to change that a bit, but so far, I always forget.

We found the Real Hall of Horrors near the Jane's Addiction area shortly after, and it was well worth the wait even with having to pick all those stickers out of my socks. There is a traverse that goes across the inside of this corridor on the crack, and that was awesome to watch David on, even got a pic. The shade was the other star in this spot, and the sad tableau of three tiny dead baby birds on the floor near the entrance, complete with a torn nest nearby. I gently placed them in the nest and covered them with the rest of the nest pieces and sprinkled chalk over it. They could not have been there long, poor little things.

There were also a lot of little rodent bones scattered about, something I found along the edges of almost every large rock we walked near. We hiked on away from that area after David did the traverse a few times, it was too hard for me though, not enough feet, too much arms. Out in the open were a few more boulders and on our way over to them we stopped for a few minutes and watched a guy solo this 60 ft climb called the Exorcist, it is a 5.10a, but still, no rope? I admit I was a little nervous watching him. =)

The next was SideKick Boulder, it's only about 12-15ft high, but had an easy downclimb off the back edge and a few climbs up the front. So of course David did them, and I watched, and debated, and then finally, with a bit of trepidation, slipped my hiking shoes off [I had ditched the socks by now, as they were just sticker magnets] and pushed my warm footsies into my climbing shoes. With much encouragement from behind me, I approached the climb, a 5.9 I think, and gave a little mumble, something about where the heck do I hold on? He showed me, and I started, and came right off. Then, he showed me the foot placement and encouraged me again and I stepped up and did it! I climbed up the whole thing and topped out. There was a mad scramble with my hand for one hold, but I got it and managed to only get a little scrape. No broken nails even. YAY! David did give me a tiny boost, but I think it was more to my confidence than to push me up physically. =D The route I did is the right-most one in the picture I linked to.

I was quite proud of that, I have rarely climbed outdoors, and I really enjoy it. As we walked back toward the parking lot, checking out a few things on the way, we saw a lovely rattlesnake, just nosing around the bushes. Startled me a bit, but we stayed back and the snake never even rattled at us. We drove back toward the park entrance and stopped at Intersection rock for another jaunt about. We moved on to a little area with a climb David had wanted to do before, False Hueco Boulder, but needed a spotter for. If you pop off there is a strong chance to go bouncing down the rock it starts off of. I was able to protect him from falling backwards the one time he popped off, and otherwise got to enjoy watching him conquer a gnarley overhanging couple of problems. There was even a cool spot under it to relax in the shade after. Nice.

David got to play with one of his toy RC cars in the parking lot, which was hilarious when the wind picked it up and it landed like a turtle, spinning as he tried to get it back up without walking over to it. hehehehe.

Then we drove on out, I noticed in the later afternoon light that the road there sparkles, as though there are a million tiny diamonds embedded in the road, that added to the magical quality of the day. =) On a whim, we decided to take the 243 toward Idyllwild and come back that way. It was gorgeous, and as I turned a corner, hitting a bump that caused me to slow, a white-tailed doe bounded across the road ahead of us. She looked at us and then bounced down and away from the road into the trees. The rest of the drive was peaceful and we made it back home by 21:00. Still no end of the world, instead, just a sleepy night and memories of a beautiful day in the sun in JTNP.

Haiku

2011-04-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

A collection of the Haiku I have written over the past few months. In each of them, I made a sincere effort to follow the traditional styles. Thank you Basho.

line of twisted pines
stand sentinel above field
of petal built bells.
--April 19, 2011

intoxicating
orange blossoms surround me a-shine
in soft grey cloud glow.
--April 19, 2011

chilly nighttime breeze
stirs winter blooming flowers
as I pace the porch.
--January 20, 2011

whisper soft crying
belays your slight smile framed
in frosty moonlight.
--January 19, 2011

frogs croak softly in
time to falling tears, plinking
so slowly downstream.
--January 13, 2011

Plinks of water drops
they tease the stalking cat
as gopher chuckles.
--August 5, 2010

here is a link for today's prime-time post-time http://primes.utm.edu/curios/page.php/409.html

Builds and an Ouroboros in my household

2009-01-16T16:39:00.000-08:00

Builds are a pain - a complete pain. But they really don't have to be. I am working hard to smooth the process where I am. Hardest part is getting the QA cycle in sync with the development cycle and with our Sprint cycle. Anyway, just wanted to give tribute to builds and their pain, and I am trying to keep in mind the hilarity that ensued in our household a few weeks back when one of our snakes tried to eat her own tail.

Anza is a really cool rosy boa, that used to be sweet, but is not handled, so now she is a bit aggressive. Especially when it is time to go and eat, in a smaller aquarium than the one she lives in with her beau Felipe (also a rosy boa of course). So, there she is, having had two baby mice already, I drop a third one in (yeah, I apologize to the mice, and I feel a bit bad for them) and she GOES for the mouse, so quickly, so violently that she gets her own tail instead in her mouth, and the mouse in her coils.

I notice that she isn't joking around either. She is pushing against the glass, straightening her hold on her tail and lining it up to go down her throat. By the time I got the boy to take me seriously about it and convinced him that we HAD to remove the tail from her mouth by force, she had a full 2 and a half inches of herself down her throat. He gently pulled on her tail, while I forced her jaws open.

It was an ordeal for sure, and for a bit I was convinced she would keep going until she choked to death. Maybe she would have. I couldn't find much online about snakes eating themselves in true Ouroboros style, but I didn't want to find out.

In the end all is well, no injuries, and she ate normally again this week. Phew. Crazy though, just crazy.

another year...

2008-12-31T18:23:00.001-08:00

Many things drawing to a close this evening. 2008, my tower, and my study are all nearing completion to name a few. Don't bother asking, I won't tell. The time-box is sealed at midnight though, San Diego time. 2008 was an interesting year in my world. So much adventure, so much intrigue, especially in the fall and winter, when some tethers were shed.

I hadn't felt much like writing. I could blame twitter, but I often didn't feel much like tweeting either. Some of the time I am just like that. I do this cyclic thing too sometimes, wherein I make a bunch of "friends" but really there are only one or two among them that I really like that much. But I feel this need to have friends, people I can chat with etc. Then, once I have them, I don't want them anymore. There are a myriad of reasons, but I tend to alienate many and just keep a few close. Sometimes fewer than I would choose. So, I have a list of friends that I actually like but rarely, if ever, have any contact with. I sometimes wish they would reach out to me, because I don't really know how to reach out to them.

Anyhow, this is my token blog post for the year, yeah I procrastinated as usual. A little piece of me for anyone bothering to keep track. And if you are, then maybe you are a friend I don't even know about. If so, thanks.

Happy New Year.

fire stories

2007-10-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

So, I mentioned on my twitter feed about my friends that had to run from the Rincon fire. I talked to one of them in person today. He can't go back to the reservation now, but he had to come out to get his 8yo son. Anyway, I checked the info I had already to see how accurate it was, and it turns out it was even more dramatic than what I knew already. Here is what he told me happened...
They were woken up early Tuesday morning by police going through their area. They live just down the road north and to the east of Harrah's. The fire was coming and they took their cars quickly to the Harrah's parking lot. Then J. went back to the house to get some clothes and other things and while he was inside, the phone rang. At the same time people outside were yelling at him, same message as the phone call - GET OUT! So, he didn't really realize how serious they were, until he stepped outside and saw the house next door on fire. So he fled with fire on his trail to the lot at Harrah's. Most people sheltered inside the casino as the flames chased their way across the valley floor, but J. and M. being kinda just a little crazy stayed outside to watch and feel the 75 foot flames surround them. Joining them in their heated safe zone - lots of critters, mostly coyotes it sounded like. After the fire passed they were able to sneak back later and discover that M.'s dwelling was destroyed along with everything he owned, except his vehicle. The house next door that belongs to other family members was still intact somehow. Amazing. So that is story number one...

Story number two is too long to write right now, so I will give story number three...my parents because it is short. They are OKAY and so is their house. YAY! I still keep crying sometimes when I see the destroyed houses.

enough for now.

fire fire fire

2007-10-23T05:41:00.000-07:00

Soooo....yesterday was fun, Not! We basically watched tv all day, tracking the fires. So far we have not had to evacuate, but my parents did. I hope their home is ok. They were woken up by PAs in their neighborhood Monday morning. Well, maybe they were awake already, but they had to leave around 4 in the morning. Fortunately they are in a good spot now too, in Poway near the community center that is being used as an evac shelter. Where I am in Escondido is also close to an evac shelter - Escondido HS. Just a few blocks away. As long as that center is open, I feel ok about being here. I don't feel good about traveling the 22 miles to work though, and possibly getting shut off from home, or having the situation change while I am gone. scary.

We are also quite concerned about the park (sdrp.org) where the boy is a senior ranger. The fires in 2003 went on either side of their watershed, this one is sweeping straight through it. It really could make it to the coast. that is No Joke.
Also, the sdrp office was right in the path. If their office burned, I can't even imagine the outcome. All their equipment, their vehicles, etc. At least someone went and got the office cat Sunday night, that was a relief. When the boy left work on my birthday (sunday) he had no idea how fast it would move, and left the kitty. Someone else fortunately went and got him around midnight.

Now I have to figure out what to do about working. I can't really afford right now to miss so much time. One day was one thing, but now I have to get them to let me work from home I think, because there is no telling if they will extend evacs to our area. There are more fires this morning, and depending on the winds they could come our way. Regardless the mayor has asked again that people avoid major freeways except for emergencies. I sure hope the VPN works.

Rinpoche at DKC has recommened that people who can, do Green Tara practices, or at least just the mantra - OM TAR-EY TU-TAR-EY TU-REY SO-HA - not sure it will help but it can't hurt.

This fire is soooo hungry. It is eating Rancho Santa Fe now, I knew yesterday that it would. I have been making pencil marks on a fold out map, and so far my predictions of which way the fire would travel are sadly true. Eerie to mark out swatches and then hear a few hours later of houses lost on streets in my swatches.

Back to watching the news. take care.

what an end to the summer

2007-09-22T19:57:00.000-07:00

Sooo, things were exciting. I learned that being a contractor in a hell-hole didn't suit me. Especially when people make up crappy stories about you. You see, as a contractor, HR doesn't really give a hoot, and apparently doesn't even care to check out reality. I am glad to have left though, the things I miss are just a handful of people, and my office.

Surprisingly I am doing just fine without an office. I had a new job within 2 weeks of leaving, and I am quite pleased so far. It is full time, and there is a huge amount of room for growth and advancement, as well as an application and team that can really use my skills.

Funny deja vu type thing happened too. When I started the contract position, someone from that place went to my previous job. We traded places kinda. I was told by many people that they felt getting me in exchange was a very good trade. The same sort of thing happened at my newest position. Someone from there left to pursue contract work (can you say greedy?) and ended up after a couple short term contracts at the place I just left. I mentioned to the sales guy that told me about it how it was a hell-hole in some ways and that I doubted this former co-worker of his would be happy there. He just laughed and said that he was happy with the pay. HA! A week later, the same sales guy came back and told me that I was right. The contractor guy told him that it was the Worst Place he had EVER worked at in his entire career. HA! told you so. And again, I have been told that the exchange of me for the other guy was to their benefit, I was the better trade they tell me.

Anyway, enough of that, I find it amusing, but it probably sounds a bit bitter. Trust me that I am not so much bitter as honest about a bad situation and trying to see a bit of humor in it. Learning and such.

Speaking of the "and such" last night was So Much Fun! I went downtown to the gaslamp and had a few drinks and some dancing. Started at Altitude to check out the bay and the ballgame. Had a beer and a shot of patron to start the evening off. Talked to a guy playing keyboard on the corner, turns out he has a house in TJ and works playing music in retirement facilities...along with sitting on the corner downtown. Interesting. Talked to some nice people in Hennessy's, because they have guiness on tap, so I had one. Hadn't tried that place before, but it worked out. One of the people I was talking to even bought me a second guiness. woohoo.
Then on to the clubs. On broadway was pretty dull, so I ended up at Belo as usual. Dancing was fun, again had a couple short conversations, some guys are very persistent. Managed to brush people off without being bitchy. Had another guiness. By this point, I was getting tired, so I went to my car for a bit and enjoyed the night air (I almost always park at the top of a particular parking garage, usually in the same spot) and sobered up a bit.

That did get me in a bit of trouble with the boy, since he didn't go with me last night...I was a bit later than I thought I would be. It was a blast though, so no worries. Today was a nice lazy day. Slept, watched tv, played video games, etc. Probably more of the same tomorrow. Hooray for work-free weekends! Another HUGE bonus of changing jobs is I don't work 55+ hours every week. 40-45 usually. Just right.

the hospital

2007-07-23T21:19:00.000-07:00

For the record, I started writing this on July 2nd, and am just getting around to finishing it today, the 23rd.

On June 29th - Friday, the pain in my side became too much after a week. It is on my right, under my lower ribs. The urgent care doctor was a bit concerned, and based on family history thought it best to have me go to the ER and get an ultrasound and an x-ray or two. SO I did...Saturday morning (June 30th) I got up early and went to the Palomar hospital ER at 4am. They weren't too bad, it was a quieter time. The triage nurse the night before had recommended this timing. I only waited 2 hours before being taken back. They did the tests pretty quickly too, then I waited and waited, until almost noon before someone shared the test results with me. The results had been available since around 10, but the Dr. wasn't. The nurse handled it anyway, so still not sure why they didn't get me out of there and give the bed to someone else.

Anyway, nothing wrong with my organs, YAY. But the pain is still there. They gave me percocet. I haven't had it before. I told the Dr. that vicodin makes me sick, well percs are even stronger. I took a whole one Sunday morning (july 1st) on my way into the office, thinking Oh Yay, This will help the pain and I will get something done.

NOPE! Instead I got sick and spent 3 hours half asleep on my office floor until I could stand to be vertical again. So, I've been cutting the percs in half and that is working better now. It is still a struggle to take enough to help the pain without getting sick. In fact, I got sick today and thought it was from the percs, but it didn't go away, even 7 hours later, so I think I had a short lived stomach ailment. Getting hard to tell.

The good news is that although my side still hurts, it seems to be getting slightly better. Albeit at a slow pace, but I do think it is improving. I hate being all weak and icky feeling. At least I can still go dancing, as the exercise seems to help a bit. It doesn't seem to make it worse anyhow.

I did take pics at the hospital...I will post them eventually on my flickr. Maybe even this week.

too much fun

2007-07-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

so I have been remiss again, lazy even, not writing anything for awhile. I have had plenty to write about, just didn't feel it in writing, I guess. Last weekend Friday the 13th was terrific. I left work and came home. Offered some options to the boy that I thought were good compromises, but we ended up with me going downtown by myself because he just didn't really feel like going out.

At first, it felt a bit dull and sad and boring to be by myself amongst the people on the street. I also had foregone any pain pills for most of the afternoon and could feel an edge of crankiness from that too. (pain pills are a totally different post!) But, I told myself to get over it and have fun. That was the whole point after all. So, I did. I wanted to check out Sin, so I walked around for a bit until they opened. Hung out on a corner and chatted with some very polite strangers too. As soon as the nice boy saw my wedding ring, he stopped flirting but was still flattering and interesting to talk to. So, after a bit, Sin opened and I paid my 15 bones to check it out. Empty of course, as it was only around 9:30. Even so, the music was a bit dull. Took me 5 min or so to get a guiness in my hands, another 15 to drink it casually, so I figure that venture at about a dollar a minute. I didn't return, I found it a bit on the small side, and again, the music at the time was dull. If there was a special event, or maybe to see Chloe, I might give it another shot.

On to Belo - and I had a great time dancing. A few boys did try to get my company for a dance but I deflected them smoothly and just kept to myself. It really was a lot of fun to be on my own and free to move about at a whim instead of having to corral others. I left early a bit after 1 - like I said, no pain pills for most of the day and I have been exceptionally tired lately.

Then an extremely yucky week at work - why? Because my project's release has been delayed - AGAIN - due to networking and server problems. Not readiness on the part of the code though, thank goodness. Irritating, but it is a big project. That wasn't the only big stress source. The other gargantuan project is nearing an end point as well, and of course it is getting a bit crazy as all groups work to position and get ready.

Then Friday again! YAY! This time the boy wanted to go as it was Oakenfold playing. I must admit that although I enjoy Paul and his spinning, and do recognize him as having a distinct style, and not just a little talent, it is not that big of a deal for me. As long as the music isn't dull, I am happy with the dj and dance dance dance. So, I did enjoy seeing him, but it meant that Belo was all hectic and insane. I think they let waaaay too many people in. Or maybe they just weren't spread as evenly between the two rooms...but it was a frikking sauna for sardines. I haven't seen walls dripping like that in a long while. I really miss warehouse parties. They usually had more room, although the last dripping walls were in a warehouse (it was a peculiar circumstance). People were actually leaning on me at a few points. I actually said something to them. HA! The boy had to counsel me not to start anything. hehehhee. Oh well. Despite all that, it was SO fun. We left before 2am, but mostly because we both had really hard weeks and were just physically tired. Next time I go out, I am going to try really hard to stay out MUCH later. A girl has to have goals.

Ok, enough rambling. I could write about a lot of other things, but some of it would sound like complaining and I don't want to do that. Leave it at the point that I am really tired of people who are fake, and people who prejudge and people that don't listen. But no one is perfect I guess. So I am just muddling forward and making an effort to socialize with people I don't work with currently. Anyone up for lunch in La Jolla? =)

Interesting fact, the time I started writing this is a prime already, so I did not need to tweak it at all. 1109

good is an adjective

2007-06-29T20:53:00.000-07:00

And well is an adverb. It really isn't too difficult. And yet I hear a radio personality using "good" incorrectly. "He did good." is simply Not OK. NO-K if you will. "You dance good." equally No-k. One dances well, and does well. The dance itself is good, or the task that was done is good.

Vent over...sorry, the other one that gets me is "funner" and "funnest"
I have seen those in t.v. commercials even, and again with the radio personalities, etc. ack...Honestly, it isn't really worth worrying about. I have much larger concerns in my life. Work for one, which is quite stressful of late. I suppose it really is up to me whether or not I let it stress me out. The thing is I get stressed because I actually care somewhat. Poor me. wah. =) Not sure how to stop caring about things I care about. Or people. Wah again.

Guitar hero is fun, and a good way to not care. I bought the first game for ps2. Working my way through the songs on medium. Haven't even tried easy yet. Getting 5 stars on most, sometimes 4 initially, but the 5s are coming easy. Still not ready to play on hard on either gh or ghii. Maybe soon. Before the end of the year for sure, at least if the boy lets me play.

I have such limited time to myself, the majority of which is spent in my car. I guess that would explain why I have a second blog called Driving Rants. The other time I have to myself is on Sundays, which I have been spending a lot of at work, and then when the boy is sleeping and I am up. Like most mornings lately. I have started 'sleeping in' until 4:15/4:30 or so. I need to get up earlier than that so I can have more time. I sort of wish I never had to sleep (or eat), but I do still enjoy my lucid dreaming.

Wow, I wrote a lot. I just haven't taken the time lately. Haven't been reading much online lately either. I would like to, but just so consumed with work, that being online when I am not working is not so fun sometimes. I have been reading books and writing my feelings on paper instead lately, but not anything I could ever post. I read twitter though *wave*

yay fair

2007-06-09T09:29:00.000-07:00

Getting into the spirit of spring/summertime. So many fun things going on, not to mention how beautiful the greenery is lately. I love trees, and the poplars that I enjoy watching so much are just gorgeous right now.

Also got to go out last Friday, June 1st. That was an absolute blast. Some coworkers had raved about Fumari, so the boy and I went and had a hooka and some drinks to start the evening. The blackberry flavor was good. The beer was cold, what more can you ask for? After, we procured the handstamp that we would use later to go back and see Christopher Lawrence, we wandered the gaslamp for awhile - saw one person I knew. Wow, in such a sea of people, I was surprised. The boy saw a second person, but I misssed that one, I think by design on their part. Quite clever, although it doesn't take much when you know that I have no peripheral vision. I had so much fun walking around though. There is so much to look at and such an extreme amount of sensory input. I love it. Barely even noticed my goosebumps.

We were going to check out Sin, but considering the cover, we decided to not waste the money just to check it out for an hour or so. We'll go back there and spend some time I think. It looks so shiny and fun. We ended up dancing the majority of the night and left right before the end of CL's set. There were a few ravers in the crowd and I must say that I truly truly miss warehouses. 1992 was a very special year. Still though, good music and dancing, again what more can you ask for (besides a little space!).

After a super busy week at work, I am so ready for fun this weekend, started it with happy hour last night. Lots of laughs unwinding with some people from work that I like, they are a convivial bunch. I do feel good about this week. I was able early in the week to help some team members and to solve some puzzles in some code we both use in our apps. That rocks. I like helping people, and when it helps me at the same time, even better. The rest of the week was just super busy. Lots of questions, more helping with other team members and lots of admin work. I like the admin stuff but I like the coding too. I guess that is what Sunday is for. Ha!

The fun today though is the Del Mar Fair. I don't give a flying rat's behind that they changed the name. It is still the Del Mar Fair to me. After all it is at the Del Mar FairGrounds! gee whiz. I haven't ridden the rides in awhile, so I think that is in order, and I plan to just run around, eat little bits of the various foods, be silly, and take random photos to satisfy the growing demand from my flickr/twitter friends. I have never been much of a photo taker, my brain takes pretty good snapshots, and hasn't run out of storage yet. Wish me luck. Yay Fair!

another early day

2007-05-29T20:57:00.000-07:00

Wow, I managed to pull off another early day this morning. Yesterday I wouldn't have thought I could do it. I did though, up by 3:15 and out the door by 5:15. Ok, so I sat and watched little movies, that new on the lot show. much better with tivo, fo sho. hehehehhe.

Ok, I am in a silly mood. I had a fun, albeit long, day. Got to work around 6 - no breakfast. OOPS! Yeah, I got hungry around 8, but had lunch plans for 11 so I just waited. That was ok because lunch was fun. (*wave*!) I also got to hike down the road to the other building for a meeting this afternoon. Always a treat. It really was nice out, so even though I had to walk fast, it was nice.

I got smart and blocked off my calendar for the next couple of days. I will likely relent in the morning hours and unblock some of it. But if I don't block the later hours, I end up getting meeting invites for late in the afternoon. Getting there at 6, I would love to leave around 3 or 3:30. I usually work more in the evening anyhow. Not sure how much longer I will have as much freedom as I do now. C'est la vie. Everything changes.

Now that was a super boring post. All I talked about practically was work. Yikes.
Oh, I know, I will say something about the movie I saw this weekend. Bug. Yeah, it bugged a bit. I was entertained, don't get me wrong. But then I am somewhat easily entertained, so that really isn't saying much. I laughed the whole time. I am not sure I was supposed to, but I couldn't help it. I have issues with teeth, and loose teeth, and missing teeth. So I cringed at one point (YUCK!). Otherwise though, it was somewhat of a letdown. I got some interesting decorating ideas - foil with blue bug lights - soft and glowy. A bit crinkly though.

I win

2007-05-26T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well, I win for now. I was drowning in so many projects and urgent tasks that it seemed nothing was getting done. Au contraire, it was just that they were all running in parallel and moving a bit slower as a result. So, I stopped trying to keep them all moving at once (they require frequent progress updates, which is what had motivated the concurrent motion) and knocked them out one by one.

Sometimes it is hard to remember that this really is the best tactic. Especially when there is a need to keep all parties up to date at all times. And every issue is the most important one. Well, once I picked my most important one, I was able to move that one to completion (they were all getting close anyhow) then the next and the next, etc.

I think my efforts are recognized, but I feel a bit odd about that, because I didn't do anything really extraordinary, except work a lot of hours. I hope I get paid too, because I messed up and forgot to record second meal breaks on my time card. The company I contract through requires second meal breaks for days over 10 hours. Well, that was every day on my time card except Friday and the upcoming Sunday. Turns out I worked more than 10 hours on Friday too, but I had to turn in my time card early.

Work wasn't the only thing I won at although the second win was at work, it wasn't work. People are so bloody predictable, as I think I have mentioned before. People are also rather alike, so I used that and, well, I won, that round. All in fun, at least for me. Makes me wonder if that is the case all around. I kinda doubt it, but hell if someone wants to put that much effort into something, who am I to spoil that for them. I'll play. I like to play.

I didn't get to play last night as intended. So no dancing, again! But I am going to try to make up for that today. There are clothes to buy, but fun to be had too. I plan to find it.

quanta of ?

2007-05-20T09:19:00.000-07:00

First, the obligatory Down With String Theory!

All righty then. I've almost finished Quantum Enigma and I really have enjoyed it. It has me thinking more again about the structure of things, and all that neato keen deep and profound stuff. Philosphy mixed up with science and stirred around until you can't tell which way is up.

The thing is though, that although what the quantum enigma represents is supposed to give you a queer feeling in your gut because it tells you something "impossible" is true? Well, it just seems so right to me regardless of the seeming contradiction with the input from our senses and our reasoning, it doesn't disturb me. String theory on the other hand, it makes me queasy, it is soooo wrong. Not Even Wrong even. That will be the next read. I read more than one book at once though, like I have one I just read at lunch when I go eat by myself. Taking longer to finish that one. And I vary between fiction and non-fiction.

As it were I need to go explore the quanta of today, whatever that might represent. I have a long list of things to do. I think they require more time then I actually have available, so I will have to prioritize, and maybe go in to work early tomorrow. So, off with me, the sooner I get going, the more time I have (huh? can I make more time, can I, please?).

yay it worked

2007-05-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

My attitude adjustment worked. Although I had a touch of vertigo today, that let up and I was able to get a lot done today and enjoy myself. Laugh and such. Back to normal. I can't type worth a darn right now though. I think I need to soak my hands in some warm water for awhile. Too much typing and difficult (for me!) songs on GHii. At least I am getting above 80%. It is on medium though, which is darn good for me. I have a hard time with the chords still.

It is getting easier though, so I figure I just need to practice. Can't torment the boy by playing too much, besides, then I just end up having to wait my turn a good part of the time. That is OK because I just play along on pretend guitar. ha!

Looking forward to going out tomorrow. Haven't decided where yet. Don't know for sure with who, but going none-the-less. Oh yes. Going to try to go to work early tomorrow. That should make it all the more interesting. By early I mean 5am again, or earlier if I can pull it off. I do need to wash my hair in the morning.

stress all gone now

2007-05-16T20:53:00.000-07:00

Ok, I let the stress get inside my head. But then I went to work at 5am and got some of the quiet time for work that I needed. If I could, I would be a bit more extreme about it (go in at midnight or something weird like that), but I am not the only person my schedule affects, so I can't be that selfish. It would be nice to indulge though.

I would also love to indulge this Friday and go off on my own, but it isn't safe apparently, nor is it kind. I probably will go out dancing anyhow, and it will be fun so no worries all around.

I still have a lot to be stressed about, but it really isn't helping any so I am choosing to let it go. After all I am sick of people telling me in that oh-so-kind voice that I look stressed out. =) I feel sooo much better knowing I look like crap. I am just kidding around though, I appreciate their concern and that also reminds me to get over it and stop being stressed out. I'll just get done what I need to get done. I've done it many times over, so what is there to worry about.

my hands have adjusted

2007-05-12T13:03:00.000-07:00

So, I have been playing GHII way more than I probably should. Hard not to. I finally tore myself away today, after a breakthrough in which I am consistently 5-starring songs on the easy setting. I know, not that big of a deal, but for me it is good. Plus I also consistently score 3 stars on medium with a few 4s thrown in. Again, that is good for me. I am not one that is a star performer at video games.

I still enjoy it though, regardless. This game is so fun. Now that I am getting paid too in the game, I can't decide what extra songs to buy yet. I need to do more research and watch some more youTube videos. Heh. Ok, that is maybe going too far, and yet there I go.

I even played last night after I got home from happy hour, for awhile too. After getting stabbed in the head no less. That was fun. No really, it kinda was. The knife was sharp and heavy enough to just cut clean so it didn't really hurt. The tip made a cool clinking sound against my skull, and it echoed a bit too. Neato. The tip was a bit wide, so the cut is a little bigger than I thought at first. It was of course dramatic as all scalp wounds are. Pretty funny. I was smiling and pressing a napkin against it trying to calm my friends down. I think I'll post a little pic of my wound on flickr. It is right at my hairline.

Time to get offline and go back outside for a bit before I return to GHII later. It really is a beautiful day outside. Perfect for driving about on the coast.

I don't play guitar

2007-05-09T20:39:00.000-07:00

But I can pretend I do. I finally broke down last Saturday and bought GHII and already I find it invading my thoughts during the day. While driving, I hear the guitar much more clearly and keep finding myself thinking "I wonder what the difference would be for this song between easy and medium."

Screw the hard setting - ha! I only have one pinkie finger per hand, and it just isn't long enough. I am opening songs on easy and practicing the ones I like most on medium. Another thought invasion was based on that practice...I like the song Message in a Bottle, so I tried it. Wheeee. Then I am in the grocery store and that song comes on the PA...all I can think is "Wow, that song was hard."

I know that it is nothing compared to the later songs, but then I am not trying all of them yet...slow is just fine for me. It is also a good thing that my hands have to get used to it. I have to take breaks, so I can still get things done. Oh Yay.

I have been remiss

2007-05-08T19:19:00.000-07:00

Hmmmmmm. I have been rather busy of late. So much so, I neglected this and haven't had a thing to say for quite a while now. Well, that really isn't true, I have had plenty to say, just all of it has been aloud, and some of it loud.

Took this last weekend off and just relaxed. We visited Temecula and I picked up something I had my eye on for awhile. Got some more tasty gourmet lollipops (YUM!) and then broke down later in the afternoon and bought GHII. I am not so good at it, I can only play on Medium and even then I find it very challenging. I do OK I guess, but I am taking my time with it and enjoying learning songs I like.

I have been most remiss in not getting up early this week. I need some time in the morning to myself. I detest jumping out of bed, getting ready and leaving immediately (I can do it, I would just rather not). It is one of the few times I have to myself to read a little and catch up on tv. The thing is, in order to get to work early, like 7am, I need to leave the house at 6:15 or bit earlier. To accomplish that without just rushing out of the house, I need to get up around 4am. This gives me time to take my time in the shower and such and gives me some time to eat a quick snack if I am hungry and watch 30-45 minutes of tv. Enough usually for an hour program.

That actually gives me a lot of time, so at 4am I am thinking, oh, 9 more minutes won't hurt, I'll just be a little quicker. Then 9 minutes later I am thinking that 7:30-7:45 is plenty early enough to get to the office, etc etc. It doesn't help matters that the dreams at this time of the morning are the ones that I am the most lucid in. hard to pull away sometimes.

I have the best intentions though. I really am aiming for 7am tomorrow. Now it is time for some Fonseca vintage port. That was the other tasty treat we picked up Saturday.

stranger danger

2007-04-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

well, last night was a lot of fun. We went out and had really yummy steak and lobster, a nice cigar and a couple of fine ports (Habana Club Cafe & Fine Cigars at 780 4th, I highly recommend it, the owner Kaveh Yazdani is great) then on to dancing, with a great DJ. A funny thing happened in the club that merits the title of this post.

We were dancing, and my purse and hoodie were on a shelf right next to us, on a column. A girl comes swooping in, grabs my purse and jacket and heads off. My boy was great and alerted me, I followed and snatched it back. Turned out she had the wrong column, her stuff was on the next one. She hugged me and apologized, and took my by the hand to show me her purse. All very sweet. I told her no worries, and moved on to dance.

Next thing I know, she is at my side again awhile later, hugging me and apologizing again. Rinse and repeat, about 3 more times. Stranger Danger became the theme of the night. wheeeee. Pretty funny really. I really didn't care that much.

But there were more strangers and the theme kept making me giggle. We had a blast pointing out the individual dangers lurking. The thug, the psycho-killer scorned chick, the trashy guy trolling, the video-geeks taking film of the go-go dancers with their phones.

So, keep it in mind while you are out, and try to guess what danger people might see in you. I'm a crazy redhead, so mine is easy, I'm just a loon that knows a lot more than I let on.

perseverate much?

2007-04-24T19:19:00.000-07:00

I do, I perseverate. Lately on a few different things. Dancing for one. I just find that I want to go dancing, because I like it, its fun. That is about it as far as reasons go. I prefer fast techno, but hip hop is cool too. I like industrial, but don't usually go. I'm already looking forward to this Friday. I know that after a while, if I get to pursue my perseveration, I would lose interest. At least I wouldn't want to go dancing All the time. For example, although I was tired Saturday, I would have been happy to go out again, even if I didn't stay out as late.

Anyhow, enough ranting, leave it at 'I perseverate'. dancing is one for now, can't really discuss any others. Some of them are almost as frustrating as the dancing can be.

loons

2007-04-21T19:09:00.000-07:00

all righty, this is a loony weekend. By that I mean the loons are out in force. My first example is actually the most recent, from this morning. Around 8am after abut 3.5 hours of sleep (out late, which leads to the second example shortly) trying to just maybe fall back asleep for just a little bit so I could go to work later. I hear the pounding of the cat's feet (18lbs of cat) running through the frontroom, then onto the bed, across the bed and launches himself head first into the window. Bap and he falls and runs out of the room.
Loony bins
he was ok thank goodness. looooony though

So, the second example is a lot more general. Went out dancing Friday, had a blast. Saw people I like, yay. Hung out with people I like, yay. Stayed out until 2:30, yay. Would have stayed a bit later, but I did want to go to work a little today. There were a ton of loons out and about downtown. Fortunately, I did not have to converse with many loons. phew. They were weird though. People saying mysterious/cryptic things. People having seizures on the dance floor. People wearing big dark shades in the club (yeah, style, whatever, it looks loony). All in all though, it was very fun.

I really love dancing.

real or not - does it matter?

2007-04-15T14:57:00.001-07:00

Ok, sitting at work, getting a lot done, don't get me wrong. But a part of my brain is dancing around the empty halls, having fun. Another part is outside, playing in puddles. Regardless, it is kinda odd but fun that I can divert a piece of me off to a dreamy sort of fun place, and still get something done.

It doesn't mean what I am doing is brainless, it is not. I am very focused when applying myself to it, but when I stop for a break, my mind fills that time with other activity/memory. Not that I lose the original, but I can overlay another like a daydream.

Luckily there aren't too many people here to wonder why I laugh to myself while I sit here working. I guess because I am mostly happy again and I can't help it.

Back to it now, just a short break...

edited to add that with all the differently set clocks still roaming around in my life it is a wonder I ever know what is real or not. g'night.

ideas

2007-04-11T16:57:00.001-07:00

I have a whole bunch of ideas, but am too dizzy to put them down in much of a coherent order. Fortunately, I have another blog that is hidden and private and that I can just jot notes in. phew. ahhh, but that requires the interweb to access it. I really did stop biting my nails, but I am finding that they are long enough to start getting in the way a bit, like when typing. Well, it is still faster then writing it all down, plus neater as I won't get ink on my hands. So, the interwebs it is for me.

well, wish me luck. I am off to brainstorm for 10 min or so, then to wash the red mop on my head. I wish the dizzy would go away. wish me luck on that one too.

sudo humor

2007-04-10T19:43:00.000-07:00

I like this one - if only it really worked...
sudo

and this one made me cry - again.
commented

I can dream.

dirty pirate hooker

2007-04-09T18:19:00.000-07:00

soooo, what image did the title evoke for you? When one of the guys on Amazing Race dropped that phrase, referring to why another team did something he said "Because they are dirty pirate hookers" a bunch of images ran through my mind. It was an intriguing one.

Just insulting enough to sting, funny enough to humiliate...all around a good one. Too bad it can't be used more often. I know some dirty pirate hookers who need to be called out.

solipsism

2007-04-08T15:53:00.000-07:00

I did not take philosophy in college, nor have I read much philosophy for fun. I do realize that nearly any world view or philosophy I might chose to entertain, the odds are very high that it is not original and probably has a name.

So it is with my assertion that the life is my dream. Much like my dreams are lucid, I chose to believe that this life is a similar interlude. Well, the name for this view is solipsism. neato. I guess I am a solipsist. nifty. I should go dream up some more interesting words now. Nothing much else to say today.

dinner out

2007-04-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

I found another satisfying activity for Friday nights, dinner out somewhere nice. Last week it was Pasquale in La Jolla. It was terrific, I had the filet mignon which was so thick, and rare, and soft and just delicious. We shared a side of asparagus and he had the rack of lamb. I don't like lamb, so I can't comment on that. Dessert was creme brule, and it did not disappoint. All great overall. Nice atmosphere, great service, live music that was nice in the background. It was a little chilly because the doors were open to the outside, and even though it is below street level, there was a breeze. The food made up for that though.

Last night it was JRDN in PB. This place was also terrific. That wavy wall of theirs is pretty and the view is great too, even after dark. The food was just wonderful. I had an 8oz tenderloin with mushrooms and asparagus and all of it was perfect. Their salad method is pretty cool too, and very tasty. Oh, and we had an appetizer of bacon-wrapped quail. Yummy. He had the mahi and a half lobster tail. I tasted those too, and they were also very good. They also mixed a nice margarita for me, and we had chocolate tart with two different ports (one each) for dessert. Oh I love a good tawny port.

So, next week I need to find another fun place with good atmosphere and wonderful food. Any recommendations? =)

omfg

2007-04-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

I must be tired or something. This just made me laugh so much, and well, its just funny darn it...

no recursing

july-esque

2007-04-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

I stumbled upon this site, and found it very amusing. If her book is as funny as her website for it....

No one belongs here more than you

success

2007-04-04T17:09:00.000-07:00

apparently, I have succeeded in disassociating a bit, at least I have gained a state of apathy that leaves me feeling soft and numb. I am actually angry about a couple of things - both work related, but then not work related too. But that anger is like a cold blue flame, and I don't feel agitated per se, or even anxious really. I just feel motivated to make things different. Fortunately, I don't think I am the only one, and I don't really think there are enemies or anything like that. I think it is just a matter of moving forward.

I feel like I can do that now. I know I have in the past.

Fools day

2007-04-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

Oh the fool's day, what fun. I would like to play jokes, on a few people, but I won't. I just don't have the proper motivation really, or the time. What fun it would be though to fill an office with ping pong balls...or balloons, but I think that is more blase. ooh, fun word that one. I've added it to my wordie list, along with a few more.

I usually try to keep my wordie list total a prime number. I like a lot of things to be prime numbers and will sometimes go out of my way to make it so. For example, if possible, the total at the gas pump. Not always possible though. Pretty much anything with a numeric readout that I have some measure of control over, I try to set as prime. Hmmm...that has nothing to do with Fool's day, but I guess that is OK.

One last prime thought, the month and day of my b-day make a prime - 1021, as do the month-day-year - 10211969. wheee.

First 1000 Primes
Online Prime Check

from another planet?

2007-03-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

People just can't 'get' sometimes that I really do think differently and often my behavior is not due to typical motivations. What I mean is that I might care about something, for completely different reasons than it seems. I might actually be angry (or if you must, bitter) but when I try to explain my thought processes and my reasons and reasonings, people tell me that it can't be so.

Well it is so, damn it. I am Different. I don't need any cure, or sympathy or crap, but just understand that I am different, and quit trying to pigeon-hole me or label me in accordance with your own thinking and reasonings. It doesn't work, and it isn't true.

I believe that with the matters at hand, I have explained myself sufficiently. Unfortunately with a bit of alcohol in me and a desperation to be understood, I probably said more than I should have, because it just gives more to be misinterpreted. Oh well. I resolve to not mention or think of it after March is over. no more. thank you.

cliques are lame...

2007-03-28T21:19:00.000-07:00

Hey, wanta be in my clique? =)

b-day in a church? so what?

2007-03-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

I am really not sure how having a birthday party in a church is such a big deal. Churches can have great acoustics. We once worked a party in a church building (rented from the church folks!) and found some interesting things while we cleaned up.

So Elton John had his birthday party in a church, with a graphic (concert style sort of) of a church back lit by flames. Note that the building was not shown on fire, just with fire all around and behind it. The talking head lady on the tv says this is a hate crime... huh? It is a display, and not a literal burning of anything.

Not sure about a lot of the media info for a long time now, these types of news stories are a contributor. Oh My, now they are talking about immigration...I gotta go.

random ramblings

2007-03-26T20:53:00.000-07:00

I want - what? Lots of things. I want things I can't have. I want things that don't exist. I want things I have but don't get to enjoy. I want things from dreams to be real - oh wait, they are.

Sounds like a lot of wanting, but after a stressful couple of days I have to get a grip and be happy again. I actually want for very little, and generally should not complain as much as I do. However, I am only using the term complain because others see it that way. I am often just making an observation, and it just so happens it is to point out something that is not quite right - gasp - maybe even something bad.

I guess that equals a complaint though. Sometimes, but not generally, at least for me.

for now, what I want is simple. I want my brain to shut off for awhile. I only want it to be working when I am working. just for a little while. One goal at a time for now.

news segues

2007-03-25T18:47:00.000-07:00

Recently seen on two different news casts —

1 — First story was about a cow that was on the loose in a residential area that was carefully captured by a team that included vets to ensure the animal wasn't harmed — To a story about one of the last family owned butcher shops in the area, complete with shots of carcasses being chopped up.

2 — First story about the third body being found after a tragic boating accident during a freak storm on a local lake — To a story about all the fun to be had at a local annual boat show.

Oh yeah — the newscasters even joked about the first transition, with the cow.

Can't wait to see what they come up with next. Do they do that stuff on purpose? Anyone know? Anyone else have any other good examples? Anyone reading this? Come on, don't be shy. Make me laugh =)

rudeness

2007-03-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

There are so many forms of rudeness. For example, there is just the blunt in your face rude, and the passive agressive rude for two examples. Of those, I prefer the first if you are going to be rude. The passive aggressive approach is the one wherein people just don't tell you what they think, and keep being subtly rude by being distant and cold. If you don't like someone - Then Just Bloody Say So! Don't play idiotic games.

Not all of us are hip to the rules of these stupid games. I for example have a hard time interpreting cryptic signals and messages. It is better to just say what you mean to me, literally if at all possible. It isn't that I don't understand abstractions, but they confuse social stuff to no end for me.

I also see it as a very "Chicken" way out of something (also very male come to think of it). "I'll just be a jerk until she hates me, then it won't matter." Insert chicken noises here. My response to that? Grow a pair and be honest and clear instead of trying to push someone else to take action. Lame, it is just lame.

So, enough negative venting for now. There are nice people out there, I just haven't met many yet.

sometimes I am really dumb

2007-03-23T19:19:00.000-07:00

so, I have a high IQ, yeah, so? and yeah, I am really dumb sometimes. For instance, earlier tonight, I said something stupid, and I used the wrong word for what I was trying to say, and it just turned out to be offensive to a certain person, and I just feel awful about it.

Probably, at least according to others present, it will just blow over. One individual offered to go with me to apologize on Monday, to help me. I did leave her a v-mail, in which I said I was really sorry, and an idiot, and that I respect her. Hopefully she will forgive me. hopefully.

so, I just feel really bad about hurting her feelings and/or offending her, making her mad, etc. I like her, and really wish I hadn't been so stupid. Ah, what I wouldn't give for a time-machine sometimes, or a memory wiping ray. argh.

Now, I must try to let this go for now. There really is nothing more I can do. I would call until I reached her and could beg her forgiveness, but that would be stupid too. I sure would feel better, but oh well. Remember when I mentioned I hate waiting, well this would fit. I dread waiting for Monday at this point. I really don't want her to hate me.

funny stuff and fun stuff

2007-03-22T20:09:00.000-07:00

I really like this site, XKCD - A webcomic of romance, sarcasm, math, and language. The drawing is cute, and the humor is great. I enjoy checking them out on occasion, so that I can look at a bunch in a row. Tonight when I looked at just a few, I really liked 233 and 234 (the numbers are below the pic and in the url).

I originally found XKCD from stumbling. If you use firefox, check out the extension Stumle Upon. It is fun as well. It fits with the theme of the book I am reading - The Wisdom of Crowds by James Surowiecki. Groups are capable of making very good decisions. Once you understand the dynamics, which he explains well, you can see it at work all around. I highly recommend it.

wbs? wtf?

2007-03-21T23:11:00.000-07:00

Ok, I have really got to wonder, when I actually enjoy figuring out a WBS. Earlier in the day, I was not looking forward to this task, and even meeting and talking about it wasn't quite enough to get me into it fully. Partially, yes, but not quite all the way enthused yet. I don't like it.

So, I came home, got out the paper and pen, and listed out all my tasks, broke each out more and was thankful this isn't an IEP, those were a lot tougher (you would not believe how granular the task analysis could get, and all of it having to be measurable with detailed goals). This is just software, wheeee. And as I turned my thoughts to it, and to the remaining tasks that are unfolding with the "Big Project" at work, I kinda got into it. There is something soft and lulling about ordering and structuring information. It is still a draft, but it is a start and shows the weighting of the major initiatives we are undertaking. I like it.

I guess I am feeling so warm and happy about it because I haven't really had time before now to work on any aspect of design for this piece of the "Big Project" that I own. Now I have a start, and like I said, I like it.

Trying not to be too geeky, but I think I am losing since I am working near midnight and writing here late too, about the work no less. I like it.

sad day in one way

2007-03-20T21:41:00.000-07:00

this is sad - take a moment and consider his impact.
John Backus dies

Otherwise it has been simply a great day.
Had to note that though. Hey, that makes 3 posts/1 day. Enough!

restlessness

2007-03-20T19:38:00.000-07:00

I think it is a good sign that I am restless when I am listen to StaticX a lot. It just fits that mood. Sometimes I go through times when I am just not tired or sleepy. Often I still force myself to go to bed on a semi-normal schedule and such, but not tonight. Now in case anyone thinks this is influenced by anything outside my own brain, get stuffed. It occurred to me on my drive home that I just am not sleepy the past 3-4 days, even though I lay in bed and pretend to sleep.

It is funny though because in the morning, I really don't want to get up. I get all cocooned, and don't want to come out. But even then, I am usually not exactly asleep. I am usually dreaming to some extent. Regardless, I am fully capable of waking whenever needed. I don't have any problems waking up, I am fully alert very quickly. Generally I am fully awake a good 30-45 minutes before my alarm goes off, but I wait for it anyway. I should change that too.

If I do this, I will make my other blog public and use it as a stream of consciousness style journal, with longer more rambling posts. Speaking of which, I have rambled long enough about not sleeping. Is not being tired the same as being restless? It is when you want to dance, not party or drink necessarily, but dance, and move, etc, etc...

a poem from Mr. Merwin

2007-03-20T17:30:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite W.S. Merwin poems for sharing today.

Another Year Come

I have nothing new to ask of you,
Future, heaven of the poor.
I am still wearing the same things.

I am still begging the same question
By the same light,
Eating the same stone,

And the hands of the clock still knock without entering.

From - The Moving Target - 1963

I have another poem called Words by him on my whiteboard. For awhile now, I don't know how many people ever read it. I will post it sometime too.

As for this poem, I like the imagery, and the message, at least the one I get.
Enjoy.

roller coaster ride

2007-03-18T19:35:00.000-07:00

Friday night was a roller coaster ride in more ways than one, there was even a literal roller coaster ride at the very end. So, it starts with me losing track of time, getting in trouble for being late, getting angry and defiantly going out downtown with co-workers. That was the start, being so angry. But then I chilled out once I had made up my mind and had some fun dancing.

That is the whole point of dancing is not thinking about anything. So, with some amusing people along, and a devil-may-care attitude, I danced some. The first club was the best, less people, dark dance floor with lots of sweeping lights. The music was hip-hop and I prefer techno, but I don't really care that much.

The second club was ok, but I didn't care for the dj on the techno floor that much. Plus, our group split up a bit. I got a ride back to my car a little after midnight. That gave me some time to be afraid of the potential anger awaiting me at home. (broke my damn rule about crying!) Fortunately it wasn't as much of a storm as I thought it would be. It was still a storm, but I survived.

The drive home was the literal roller coaster. I won't say how fast I went, but it was the same way I take home Every Day, and I know Every bump and curve. Wheeeeeeee.....

Driving always calms me down, and gave me the strength that people were unable to lend or even reinforce for me to go home and face the consequences of my actions. I am beginning to think I should start gambling at the casino since I keep winning when I gamble with my life.

it is like he read my mind

2007-03-14T19:30:00.000-07:00

Ok, I am making a promise to myself right now not to post anymore Drivl links this month...

That out of the way, I have to say I felt like the author was inside my head. I also almost died I laughed so hard. Lastly, major bonus points for the mention of seppuku.

What code DOESN'T do in real life (that it does in the movies)

READ THE ARTICLE AT DRIVL.COM

immolation

2007-03-13T19:03:00.000-07:00

I agree that death by fire is horrifying, but just now tears are rolling down my face from laughing so hard. If you haven't before, you must read this article on Drivl.

My Latest Brush With Death

READ THE ARTICLE AT DRIVL.COM

happy happy joy joy

2007-03-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday? yesterday sucked! The AC was off and the building was about 80°F with very little air moving. People kept saying that it felt like a sauna inside, but really it was too dry for that. Even though we are near the coast, it was dry. It got to a lot of us, we must be going soft. They fixed it eventually, late in the day and today it was all good again, almost chilly.

No worries really, not much to complain about in general so I can take occurrences like that every once in awhile. Today helped make up for it. Some things that were a bit problematic are improving, progress was made in other areas that have been slow to move, and I was able to help some "business units," (aka people in the other building that do business-type work instead of technical work) fix a problem. Also I was in kinda a silly mood today, so I had fun regardless of how I felt yesterday or anything around me today.

so - happy happy joy joy! I think tomorrow will be even better.

blue heron

2007-03-11T13:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, on a completely different note (again odd for me to post twice in one day, but I had two things I was thinking about. More really, but there have to be limits) I had fun watching a blue heron for quite awhile in Balboa Park today. The heron, let's just call it Bill for ease of reference, was looking for some breakfast in the water lily pond outside the botanical gardens. Now Bill was fun to watch, because they are such silly birds, so serious, so pretty, so silly sometimes. And Bill was not having a lot of luck with finding any easy prey near the reeds on the edge of the water, so Bill just watched the koi go about their morning ablutions.

You really had to feel for Bill, if you watched him for any length of time anyhow. Bill was very frustrated, and wanted to go for one of those little koi so bad, but too many other factors kept him at bay. Not the least of which was all the people coming and going and gawking at Bill.

Bill experienced super-stardom this morning. The most common remark was "Oh, it's real! Look honey, look at the bird. I thought it was a statue." Bill was doing a lot of watching and standing very still at times. But really people, you couldn't tell it was a real bird? Really? Bill was at most 10-20 ft away from these alert observers. Bill had feathers, and blinky little birdie eyes, and well, he's real, ok? At least those people actually saw him, I guess.

When I returned later and watched some more, Bill was getting tired, you could tell. And sure enough, he alit to the top of the gardens not long after. I guess stardom just wasn't enough...breakfast was calling.

As an aside to this - heard a guy say in the botanical gardens - "I thought there would be more exotic plants than this." - what? giant cycads, herbal collections, and orchids galore aren't exotic enough for you? Well then you picked the wrong place to play tourist!

ps - that isn't Bill in the photo, I am not into clicking pictures all the time.

predictability

2007-03-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

Some people are predictable. Not always in so many words, but suffice it to say that they don't do anything that surprises you. I am going to not be predictable as much, at least try not to. I am off to a good start. I actually came to the office at 8pm on a Saturday, so I could concentrate. Not something I would have done even 2 months ago. I would have just waffled and ended up not leaving the house, and being miserable as a result. Not that working on stubborn code until 11pm on a Saturday was all that fun, but at least I was making progress.

I think that sometimes people find me predictable, and then they think they know what goes on inside my head, because they know their own heads. Well, guess what, my head? Nothing like the typical person's head, not a bit. So, sometimes, I can actually see my own predictability because I can see how the other person is rationalizing me (or they are so bold as to tell me). 9 times out of 10, the other person has gained either no insight or erroneous insight into my behavior, despite their ability to predict it (which I sometimes just play along with, btw).

It used to bug me that people didn't 'get me,' now I just can't seem to care that much anymore. Difference is good, and I wouldn't be a neurotypical for all the money in the world, at least not today.

The True Delight

2007-03-08T16:52:00.000-08:00

This is intriguing. Must look into it.
Only question from me is will this model of the mind be as difficult to tame as the original?

The True Delight

Posted in an interesting technical blog. Hooray!

storm

2007-03-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

sometimes, it feels like I am at the center of a raging storm. the kind that soaks you through in a heartbeat. That pelts you with stinging drops as big as your thumbtip. With buffeting winds that toss you about and steal the air from your lungs.

Then, I imagine lifting my arms over my head and spinning up and out of the chaos, above the clouds, breaking into the sunlight above. From there, I can dance in the air, spinning, looping diving and climbing. I am very familiar with this sensation from my dreams.

I've had dreams of that sort for a long time. Usually in dreamland they don't start with a storm, but the flying bit is the same. I never really had a reference point for the ballet in the air until I saw a Cirque du Soleil show in which a man danced and spun with two large bungee bands. I know how it feels, and I wish I could do it in real life.

As for the storm, I know it will pass. Nothing is permanent and all that good jazz.

flowers and music

2007-03-05T19:02:00.000-08:00

I think about a lot of things, at a lot of differnt times. For example, when driving, I tend to think about stuff. I also engage in flow games, but that is for my other blog. So, today I was looking at the flowers in Rancho Santa Fe and thinking about the different flowers I like, and why. They are varied. For example, I like the white dafoodils (narcissus), I like poppies, and gerber daisies and tulips and lotuses, all for different reasons.

This reminded me of the many varieties of music I like, and that those are also for many different reasons. I like dark industrial, and techno and hip hop and classical and a bunch of sub-genres too.

The reasons I like them aren't nearly as interesting as the things, so I am not going into that. I already think too much as it is anyhow.

I love this explanation...

2007-03-01T21:05:00.000-08:00

Web Development Scripts - Blog: Bubble Sort - How it works

Now, the fact that I love this is not in itself enough to make me a geek...is it?

hmmm...
2 posts
in 1 day
a record

hey lady, thanks for not killing me!

2007-03-01T20:24:00.000-08:00

Ok, so last night, I go to the gas station, and walking back through the pumps to my car, I stop before I step off a curb, just in time to watch a car that I had no idea was there go swooshing by at a good speed. Don't know for sure why I stopped, I didn't even hear the car. Glad I did though. Geesh. So, thanks anonymous lady with her young boy-child for not killing me. You might considering slowing down as it would have been a very traumatic evening for your kid if you had taken me out.

On another note, once again I have proven to myself that simply being honest is a good idea. It tends to clarify a situation and often reveals a better outcome than I had guessed. It is usually difficult, and this was no exception. But then don't they say nothing ventured, nothing gained?

All in all not a bad week so far.
Too much work for sure, but that just helps me feel good about my pay.

only the lonely

2007-02-27T17:43:00.000-08:00

I feel lonely. That about sums it up. I can't fix it, not by myself. Trying to figure how to fix it. horrid. just bloody horrid.

The monkeys just can't help themselves.

taking a trip down memory lane

2007-02-25T15:54:00.000-08:00

Ok, not really taking a trip down memory lane, but did get to take a trip today. Went to Balboa park and hung out for awhile. Lots of stuff happening today, sat and watched from the big tree, moved onto the botanical garden and waited for the Timken to open. Spent a little time with the one Rembrandt in town (on display anyhow). Those are things I have enjoyed for a long time.

What more could anyone ask for? The sun was even out, with just the perfect amount of clouds to keep it active and interesting. Cool, but a t-shirt was ok for me. All around, just a lovely day.

on to the rest of the day now.

cellophane girl

2007-02-24T17:59:00.000-08:00

One of the silly nicknames for me is cellophane girl. It is a strange phenomenon that when in a crowd, people just seem to not see me sometimes. They pick my space to invade to push through the crowd, they step right in front of me to make their way. No big deal for the most part, I can laugh at it and figure I am just sensitive. That is true, I don't like strangers touching me.

One major down side though is that when it is a crowd of dancing people, to fast techno no less, and then many are drinking, well, I tend to come home bruised. Danced till 3am last night, and at least the venue was more reminiscent of the parties we worked in 92. We worked sound, security and promotion for a few production companies back then. Partied all year, till dawn for free. But the venues were large spaces, warehouses usually. There was no alcohol either, except on super rare occasions. It really makes a difference. I like to drink sometimes, but it makes the dance floor more agressive, and people are more clumsy. Sometimes they push past so hard, they almost knock me off my feet.

Both my feet are bruised, and one of my knees, and my arms a little.

I like my new phone

2007-02-19T18:45:00.000-08:00

I finally broke down and bought a phone, a couple weeks ago. So far, I like it very much. For one thing texting is a much easier way to communicate with friends when out in a club. I don't mean when you are standing next to them, although I know some people who probably would.

Also, it gives me a bit of personal freedom and secures my ability to communicate without having to try to find a pay-phone. No easy task sometimes, at least not to find one that works. It is actually the first phone I have bought for myself. I carried a phone for around 3 years, but I didn't buy it. It was tech support for my work. 24/7.

Speaking of clubs, I hope the Queen Mary is fun. Upcoming event there that should be fun, even if we don't see any ghosts. Get to see someone that I knew a long time ago anyway, before he was a really big dj. nifty. I had forgotten how much I like dancing all night.

one down

2007-02-17T10:08:00.000-08:00

Well, patience does pay off, and remembering that nothing is permanent helps quite a bit in keeping an even keel. That and persistence. As someone told me there is a fine line between persuasive and persistent. I like to think I am both.

Having been so I was able to accomplish a goal. A silly one maybe, but one none-the-less. I got to go out dancing. Not once, but twice. Saw two really cool djs in two interesting venues. Also had positive interactions with persons who had been being difficult. More than one on that account.

So, one goal down. What next? I guess I just have to decide what I want.

really makes me wonder

2007-02-12T17:37:00.000-08:00

So, I figured out how to not do things, that I don't want to do that is. For example, I simply stopped biting my nails. I have found it easy to let go of some other habits as well, and ideas, and people and sometimes even reality.

It isn't hard to detach from an event, sending it shifted into the realm of dreams, or the unreal. Memories are just in your head after all, so make of them what you choose. Likewise, bring the dream memories foward into the real, into the sun. Make them live.

Despite tears, despite struggle, it oddly isn't about the emotions, it is often a selfish thing at the root.

I don't want to cry any more. It makes my eyes really puffy. I hate that.

shar-broiled

2007-02-06T20:44:00.000-08:00

sharing is fun, but it can burn you too. Does that mean it counts as risk-taking behavior? Or a gamble even? I kinda hope so, because normally I don't gamble. So if sharing is gambling (on occasion) what have I really got to lose? Nothing.

Sounds like I am trying to talk myself into something? Nope, already done. Multiple instances. fun fun. Well, I was bored, so this gives me some sort of distraction. I never get bored enough to play at the casino, so maybe I value money more than I usually admit. More than social stuff anyhow.

Wish me luck (imaginary reader), I think I need it.

ahn wheeee

2007-02-05T21:13:00.000-08:00

so, I have a choice; let the boredom eat my brain, or enjoy the soft lull of it. Give life so to speak, to the wheee in ahn wheee. That soft, not give a damn state of apathy. Enjoy the high points, record the lows and don't care about them any or the in betweens.

I like my non-franco-phile self's initial take on the word. In You Eye! yep, that kinda sums up the attitude. In your eye! neaner neaner.

Amazingly, it lends a sort of freedom, even while feeling like a cage.

ah nwheeeee

asking works

2007-02-04T13:10:00.000-08:00

So, when all else fails, go with your instinct and just ask. I should not wait as long as I sometimes do to follow my own advice, but I guess I am some sort of masochist. I do hear from people that they admire my ability to say what is on my mind. Funny, it is also the thing that often sets me apart, but whatever. It usually works regardless.

Either people are caught unawares and just answer out of habit. Or they actually appreciate the interest and answer. Sometimes, they just get all weird and defensive, so then it is time to back off. Being somewhat odd works too, since it kinda keeps people a bit off balance. Also gives one a lot of expressive license. An invaluable thing for an aspie. So perhaps it is that I value my self enough to want to be myself?

That is an odd question, since I would usually say that I have low self-esteem, or just low confidence. I'm not so sure that is honest though. I mean sure I doubt a lot, but mostly just because I don't want to be a bother, etc etc. I actually think I am an all right person, with a cool personality and a lot of interesting quirks.

But then I don't have to put up with my questions. 8-]

did I say I couldn't read people?

2007-02-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

Ok, I guess I can read people somewhat. But I tend to disbelieve, or just plain not understand their motivations. Mostly when they aren't logical. There are plenty of logical motivations that make perfect sense to me. Sometimes, I just need another point of view pointed out to me. Then I can wrap my head around it.

Sometimes though, there isn't much to go on, and I can't find the logic, or know the answer for sure. I don't like the uncertainty. I don't like having no choice in a matter, or even worse, having no voice. I mean, if I don't get to affect the outcome, can I at least throw my 2 cents in?

I guess for the most part I just need to stand up for myself sometimes, and believe in myself a bit more. Then it won't matter so much, the things I don't quite understand.

sometimes i don't like being me

2007-01-23T17:04:00.000-08:00

Mostly I like being me. Most of the time...but I am aspergian, and the main part of that for me is that I can't read people. So, when I make "friends" it can be hard. Hard for me to tell if they are really caring friends, or what. People generally tell you what they think you want to hear.

No surprise there, that isn't any sort of news flash to be sure. Regardless, I find it irritating. One of the most common pieces of feedback I receive about myself comes from people who have known me for more than 6 months, with at least causal contact each month. They often tell me that although they may not have been sure about me initially, they believe that I am very honest and forthcoming and that is what they like the most about me.

Ok, so why don't they act that way themselves? Do unto others, etc. etc.
I guess it is peculiar that I just don't get it. I get hurt, for no good reason apparently. I am supposed to just not care. To not like anyone, and not ever really trust anyone.
Too bad, I do anyway, and so sometimes, I just wish I was different.

Only sometimes though.

have I mentioned I hate waiting

2007-01-17T21:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, so no one reads this, or if they did they wouldn't share this quality with me. I hate waiting. Not always I guess, in queue is OK. But waiting for tomorrow, or waiting for an event, or a meeting, or maybe just a message, etc. Waiting on something, that gets on my nerves.

I do have patience, and I don't usually mind waiting for people, unless they happen to talk r e a l l y slow. I have a hard time listening, paying attention that is, when someone speaks very slowly. My brain is going too fast and there are just too many spaces for it to run away in. I will listen intently when the speech is normal or fast, no worries with paying attention normally. Just more of a challenge.

so rather than wait tonight (for tomorrow?), I will likely just go to bed. sigh.

alanis, pay attention - irony alert

2006-02-08T10:36:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the cheap shot, but in our household we figure we should help Alanis understand irony better and alert her to knew examples we come across. I could be stretching this one though.

point a - Depictions of Mohamed are taboo to prevent idolatry of Mohamed. The religion and tenets are the important thing, and only Allah is to be worshipped. Not Mohamed.
point b - This prevention of temptation, even in these small ways implies a weakness, in all humans.
point c - humans can often overcome weakness and temptation and in fact are often the stronger in their beliefs for it.
point d - the very ire exhibited over the whole cartoon incident places Mohamed on a pedestal which to me borders on idolatry. very self-defeating.

sooooo, I agree that this is not about cartoons. I wish that all of the build up could be over with though. It is becoming tiresome. Resolve this, one way or the other.

over cartoons??? puh-lease

2006-02-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, I will go out on a limb and say that all of this mucky muck (and fires and killing, etc) over cartoons, does STINK of planning. I would have to agree with those who say this is a testing of the "West".

This one rant is pretty funny, I won't bother linking to anything else.
Nerra.com Rant
Just can't believe the nonsense in the world today. I thought that the Muslim world believed in education and reason and logic. I guess I was wrong. In a big way. What a shame.

From the Quran --
2:256 Let there be no compulsion in religion: Truth stands out clear from Error: whoever rejects evil and believes in God hath grasped the most trustworthy hand-hold, that never breaks. And God heareth and knoweth all things.

so there :P~~~~

I like it here

2005-12-06T17:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, 3 weeks, and so many things I could write about, but I suppose "I like it here" sums it up pretty well. Work is going quite well (although the whole contractor status makes me edgy), and I actually get to work on important things. wheeee! C# and strong named components and remoting services, etc.

Where I was working before, I wasn't given projects in c# and that was Very disappointing. Funny thing about that, a person from where I work currently, actually is working where I used to work. We kinda swapped, around the same time even. And the most hilarious part is that this poor individual is a .NET guy and an architect to boot. And guess what work he is doing now? What I used to do, maintenance and custom feature building in the legacy ASP (vbScript) application. Now, if that doesn't count as irony, I don't know what to think.

One thing I do know is that the side effects are a lot less now. I am down to the last dosage level and in a week or two, I can stop taking that medicine alltogether. HOORAY! I already feel so much more awake, more mentally active, more involved.
Not sure what it is about SSRIs, but they sure are subtle in the fact that you don't really notice the deficits or changes they can cause, until you stop them.

One last reason that I like it here. The people are really nice. I get compliments on my office space all the time too. I need to take some pics I think. I don't understand fully the choice some people make to Not Decorate. I decorate my space, with a few tasteful things, and postcards from A'Dam and Scotland. I like it to have some color and things to look at. After all, I spend more waking hours here than at home most days.

withdrawal sux

2005-11-15T12:43:00.000-08:00

I am soooo sick of "side-effects" from titrating off of my medicine. I don't want to take this medicine any more, but the withdrawal is Very Hard. The worst part yesterday was the disassociative feelings. Today the stomach upset is hard, although it is still early. My blood levels don't start to drop as much until around 3pm. So, a couple more hours of anticipation, to see Just How Bad Will It Be Today.

Bah, I keep reminding myself that I made this choice. I must maintain my resolve to be done with it before the end of the year.

so, I whined. that is enough for now. Back to work with me (I miss IM at this job).

no more shenpa

2005-11-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

I had some fun this weekend. Went 4 wheeling with the husband, unfortunatly that meant that we got home too late for me to attend the Vajrasattva practice Saturday night, but alas, I musn't fret. That would be shenpa also.

Pema Chodron's article in Shambala Sun describes what shenpa is, better than I could most likely.

It is a tricky thing. In my opinion, it is something that happens so often, and is such an ingrained part of most of our lives, that it is very hard to get a hold of it. That might sound contradictory, but think of it as the least common things tend to stand out to us, while the habitual ones we may not be aware of. Becoming more mindful of such things is an engaging challenge.

Usually, I find that the process itself of investigating the feelings that arise often takes over, and the feeling dissapates a bit quicker. I always try to remember also that the mind you feed is the one that grows. One reason I am not a fan of therapy, as it is often a rehashing and continual going-over of negative thoughts and experiences and such. Dwelling and swimming in a negative pool like that will only encourage more of the same. It is pretty straight-forward. At least to me currently it is. I suppose it isn't for most.

Another source of shenpa for me, would be the desire to share info with others. I doubt anyone but myself reads this, but perhaps, there is one or two.

working in slow-mo

2005-11-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

Lots of practice with patience lately. Started working on the main app in our suite, and that requires working through a Virtual PC image, in order to retain my ability to work on some other areas on my machine. Wheeee. VPC is soooo fun. No really. And I just love love love having to kill running components when I need to rebuild my solution. Oh, and did I mention how there are 60+ projects in the solution.

Oh yeah, it takes a little while to build. In fact, I am opening and building in the time it took me to write this, saving a few times, editing it, going back and forth.

However, strangely, the time can sometimes seem to go by very quickly when I am working in this molasses like environment. So it isn't too bad overall.

almost older

2005-10-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

Just a couple more days until I turn a year older. No biggie, just an interesting trivia factoid I suppose. Should be fun though, taking the day off and all.

There is a big quarterly meeting of everyone here, at my new job. First big meeting that I get to attend. We have to go down the street to another building. What an adventure.

Otherwise, things are going smoothly. I write the code they tell me too, research and fix the defects that are assigned to me, and it is all quite efficient.

and I am almost older.

Life is nice

2005-10-11T15:41:00.000-07:00

Wow, having a job again is so much fun. It does take a big chunk of time. It is kinda weird. I have some stricter restrictions in some respect, and about 10 additional minutes in my commute (well, 10 miles extra, I guess to call it minutes is super-optimistic) — but I don't care! I am still happier. It is kinda odd to me though, since it is such an extreme difference. Let's compare;

	Old Job	New Job
commute	19 mi	29 mi
start time	8 am inflexible	9 am flexible
dress code	jeans and t-shirt no dress code	business casual guys in ties, no jeans
my work space	stupid cubes and ugly windowless rooms	awesome office with sliding door
noise level	LOUD	Peaceful
hourly rate	$X	$(X+3)

Can you tell how much better this is. I am still going to buy my stock options at the old job though. You never do know. Small investment for possible large returns. We shall have to wait and see.

Life IS nice. Even though there are times when I feel a bit inadequate, since I am learning a bit too. I just try to remember that everyone once felt the same way. I just hope they remember. So far they seem to. Everyone here has been super helpful . What a lovely switch.

Monkey lip adventures

2005-10-03T17:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I finished my first week in this new position last week. Sooo much fun. I get to play dress-up every day. In fact, I just bought a few more clothes this weekend. I am getting better at the whole shopping thing.

I am sure now that I made the correct decision. No looking back, and all that.

Last Friday the oddest thing happened to me, I woke up at 2am with my upper lip swollen to 10X its normal size. (Monkey Lip!!!) This has never happened to me before. I think it was from biting my cheek on the inside. It seems that it is usually an allergic reaction, but I hadn't eaten. Not since 2pm anyhow. All I had all day was one bagel at 10am and some sunflower kernels around 2pm. And of course pepsi. I did notice an odd sensation just before I retired Friday night, around 10:45pm. In retrospect it was the beginning of the pressure against my teeth.

I looked like a freak for most of Saturday and it finally went down Sunday. I did miss a practice and welcome back for Druponla though, :( it really seemed best to stay at home and rest. I fell asleep really early Saturday too.

Just the strangest thing, anyhow.

Second Monday here has finished uneventfully, and fortunately, it seems I am doing well enough. I plan to make sure before Friday though. I don't want any surprises.

happy happy joy joy

2005-09-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

Hooray

Well, I picked one. It was a bit hard, but it actually just came down to which direction I wanted to go, not the merit of the two positions.

I decided on a change and went for the biz-casual, financial firm with a large team. The other choice was a terrific product in a start up with a chance to lead an eng team, automatically, by being the first engineer. But the financial firm is a .NET position, and the other really isn't, and probably won't be for a long while. So, I went with building the skills and trying a larger company out for a change.

I went shopping yesterday and got some things to round out my wardrobe, mostly sweaters and slacks. Great sales! I am looking forward to working in this new environment. Supposedly, almost everyone, including enginers (probably not lowly contracts like me though) have their own office, With a door!
Wow. Also, the 4 people I met with were terrific, I really liked their personalities. I am still a bit shocked at the offer, as I really didn't think I met their standards. They really grilled me and I didn't know every answer.

Can't wait to start. I will have to check out the attire on the other females, since this whole biz-casual thing is not something I have really done before. It should be fun.

patience is a virtue....

2005-09-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yeah, patience, wheeeeeeeeeeee.

Sitting on pins and needles, no call yet. Is that good or bad? Does that mean he is still trying to decide? or already did and doesn't know how to break the news? Oh my, I could imagine a million things.

Trying to avoid hope and attachment. Do I really need this much practice?

sigh. only time will tell. I just hope it isn't too much time. I guess if I don't hear from him by 1 or 2pm, perhaps I will politely call...

----------------

a few hours have passed, it is the lunching time. The gentleman did write to me, says he has things to button up before talking to me. At the same time, the interviewers who grilled me, that I didn't think really liked me, well, they want to hire me at $32 an hour.

Which is more than the other job although it is a contract position (3mo). They often renew the contracts, and this one is .NET, and a jr. position. What to do, what to do? I am leaning toward the offer I have. It is a lovely environment, I think I would even have an office. I could learn a LOT and although I would have to buy some slacks, so what? I can do that. I don't mind at all.

hmmmm. The other position, well, that one is straight asp, but as the Only engineer, the first one, the lead. With lots of room for growth. Who knows where it could go.

This is indeed a bit of a hard decision. I need to find a way to think of each fully. This is assuming I have the other offer. Perhaps he will make the decision easier for me. Hehehehee. I still think I am a good fit, but things to happen for a reason. I really liked the group of people I met with, and I made them laugh. Maybe that is why they picked me. :)

well, things do happen for a reason

2005-09-19T12:14:00.000-07:00

At least sometimes things happen for a reason. It seems so anyway, oddly synchronistic at times, things are. For example, I send my resume to someone Friday, who calls me right back. One catch, he is doing a final interview that night at 6pm with someone. So, when can I meet with him? Lucky for me Monday morning is perfect for us both, makes me the last one to go before him. Well, long story short, I swear they designed the job with me in mind.
And get this, I would be the first engineer hired, they are just now starting to want to do the software in house. So cool. AND, the application rocks. I really do think so.

So, today, I have another interview, and then a lot of hours to fill until I hear back from this person in the morning tomorrow. (He has to make a decision today!) During all that time, I have to be extra vigilant for Shenpa, and other attachments, and aversions, etc. Gonna be tough, the suspense will likely do me in.

Ahh, to be liked

2005-09-13T18:16:00.000-07:00

Being sought after can be fun. Having been in a relationship for years, and a job for years, I had almost forgotten. Recruiters are so interesting and it is fun to see what happens when they have the same job lead for you.

Thank goodness I interview well. Not that I can't do the job, just that so much can count on how you interview and how the interviewer "feels" about you. Thursday I get to go to an interview with the manager and his development team. Is software engineering the only place where they whole department gets to sit in on the interview and quiz the person?? Do other professions do this? When I was a teacher, there were panel interviews, but that was completely different. You didn't meet the whole team you would be working with at the interview. It is only a little nerve wracking though.

I already did 4 interviews last week, and those went OK. Although I haven't heard back from the two primaries, I am not surprised, as for one, I was probably not a good fit, and the other, they probably just haven't gotten around to it. I did get quizzed on one of those, and it was interesting. I am sure I will get the full dose on Thursday, probably have to write code even. What fun. Again, other than artistic endeavors, how many professions ask you to demonstrate your skills up front in the interview? I am sure there are a few, but I couldn't tell you what they are.

So strange, yet fun as well. Now, I know there is news other than that out of LA, so I am going to try to find it.

Change is good

2005-09-01T13:37:00.000-07:00

SO, I finally left my job, that I had for 5 years. A personal record, as in teaching, I tended to move around a bit. So, software engineer for rent here. At least we had some time in Europe. That was terrific. Pretty sure that I would enjoy living in A'dam. I am feeling much better, less trapped. I wasn't happy, so the goal is to move on and find a position that makes me happy. Wish me luck.

what a pleasant surprise

2005-04-17T14:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I wasn't that surprised really. I sent my co-worker a link to a site by a 'christian-buddhist' who really details and compares the two systems. I was happy to see that my fried did actually read the site. I am encouraged too that said friend also understands that I am not trying to convince them of anything, just sharing info.

I also had some interesting responses to some posts I made on a buddhist forum, which was a lot of fun.

have to go do chores now.

wow, I ignored this really well

2005-04-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

Sitting in a training class for our clients, at work, just waiting for a mysterious network slowness problem. Ho Hum. Fun Fun. Well, at least I don't have to worry about projects this morning.

Sooo, I suppose I should update this more often...but I just don't seem so very motivated to do so at this point in time. Maybe there will be more buddhists topics soon that I will feel inspired to write about.

I suppose one topic of interest to me lately is how people of the Christian faith view Buddhism. In fact, I work with a girl that believes meditation is bad, saying that it opens you to things you shouldn't be open to. This is odd to hear, since many Christians practiced meditation throughout the ages, in one form or another. I think there is a huge misunderstanding going on. Perhaps some individuals are only aware of the new-age take on buddhist practice, or more religiofied (yeah, I know, that isn't a real word) schools of buddhism. That might give them the wrong impression.

Dualistic thinking is a very deep subject though. SO, I thought instead of trying to convince my co-worker that meditation is OK, maybe I can show here some Christian teachings that give some of the same benefits. For example, seeing oneself as "Filled with the Holy Spirit" and to take a stand as someone "On a Mission from God" are very similiar in practice to deity visualizations in which you dissolve yourself and become the deity. It is not a deity in the same sense that Christians view God however, which is a very confusing issue as well.

Oh well, semantics, language, it just doesn't always suffice.

just a start

2004-12-29T11:00:00.000-08:00

well, I have been online a long time (since 91), and this is my first blog....hmmmmm.

I will get around to some stuff later. really.
For example, you might wonder what ten-drel means. It is Tibetan for Interdependent Origination.
I am sick today, stayed home to protect the office from germs that came from elsewhere. I hope it was in time. I bet the Dr. just says "drink lots of fluids and rest" sigh.

oh well, more later, *nod*